


I'm following lightning

by dea_liberty



Category: Clean Bandit (Band), Years & Years (Band)
Genre: And boys being dumb, Angst, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Definitely a happy ending, Happy Ending, M/M, There's just a lot of angst first, mostly anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-10-28
Packaged: 2018-04-28 15:29:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5095793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dea_liberty/pseuds/dea_liberty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neil and Olly decide to dial it back and take a break after the US leg of their tours. They don't cope very well and, as it turns out, they're not very good at staying away from each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm following lightning

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [LittleMousling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMousling/pseuds/LittleMousling) in the [Mainly_For_Us_Nolly](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Mainly_For_Us_Nolly) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> Olly and Neil take a break when the pressures of touring become too much for them. It doesn’t go well.

_”It’s better this way.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Until the end of the year. We’ll figure it out at the end of the year.”_

_“When we’re both back from tour, yeah.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Yeah.”_

\--

When they decide to take a break, Olly feels numb. His mind goes over the word – over and over and over – “break”, “broken up”, “on a break” – keeps going over all the different ways they could put it, but it never seems to be able to fully process it. 

He just feels completely numb.

He’s broken up with people before – been dumped, done the dumping, broken up and stayed friends, broken up and burned – he’s done it all before, but nothing’s ever felt like this.

Like nothing. Numbness. Emptiness. 

Like there’s just a hole where his heart should be. There’s nothing where he should feel something – just a gaping sort of blackness that doesn’t threaten or glare or grow, but just sort of… is there. Empty.

He feels nothing.

When he tells the band, everyone just stares at him. They don’t say anything either, not for a long time, and Olly just stands there, staring blankly back at them.

“I’ll kill him,” Emre says finally, and Olly just shakes his head.

“It was mutual,” he says, voice hollow. “We decided. It was mutual.”

And then he walks away.

\--

On day two, the numbness begins to itch.

He lies in his bed, watching his phone. It’s plugged in, charging, silent and unassuming.

Usually, it’d be lit up – almost never resting – a constant link between them, messages and pictures, Facetime and phone calls constantly keeping them together, however far away they might be from each other.

Today, his phone sleeps.

He wills it to light up – wants and needs it to, but knows it shouldn’t, it won’t. 

It doesn’t.

His phone sleeps through the night; Olly lies there watching it, never sleeping even for a moment.

\--

_”It doesn’t mean we don’t love each other.”_

_“I know. I know that.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“We just need time. Space. We’ll be miles from each other – further than we’ve been all year. It’s better this way.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Yeah.”_

\--

They have a gig on Friday.

It’s amazing, brilliant, _electric_. It covers the numbness like the rising tide covers sand.

When he sings Shine, it’s the first time in days he’s seen Neil’s smile even only in his head. For days (has it only been days?), he’s only been able to visualise Neil’s face when they agreed, Neil’s face as they’d pulled out of their hug, Neil’s face as he’d turned to walk away.

(Neil looked as broken as Olly felt. He’s not as good an actor as Olly is.)

Now, as he sings, as he drifts among the crowd he knows are cheering for him and Neil, he feels Neil’s love wrap around him. It makes him stronger.

It’s a break, right? Not a break up. It’s just a break. It’s going to be okay.

They’re going to be okay.

That night, he looks at the pictures of Neil laughing, out with his friends, and knows the phone won’t ring tonight either. He pretends he’s still numb. He pretends it doesn’t hurt. He pretends he believes it’s going to be okay.

It doesn’t stop him watching, waiting for a text message that will tell him it really is going to be okay.

\--

Olly has free time. He uses it to clean up his Instagram account.

The fans think something’s wrong.

(They’re right.)

Then _The Mirror_ , trashy tabloid that it is, picks up on it.

After that, Olly has to stay out of his mentions on Twitter. And he really, really has to stay out of Neil’s.

\--

_”It’s important to a lot of people.”_

_“It’s important to me.”_

_“I know. Me too. But it’s for the best, right? It’s just a break.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Let’s not tell the world. Because it’s just a small break. Just to let us breathe.”_

_“Right, yeah. Okay.”_

_“Okay.”_

\--

Mikey approaches him on Sunday, before the Nottingham gig. “Let’s go home tonight,” he says, and Olly doesn’t think about his room and a bed that’s far too big. He tries to focus on Stewie. Stewie loves him. Stewie will always be there for him. It’ll be nice not to sleep alone. When he doesn’t respond, Mikey continues, “You’re exhausted.”

Everyone’s noticed. Olly’s pretending he hasn’t noticed that they’ve noticed. He gives Mikey what he hopes is a convincing smile. “Yeah,” he says. “It’ll be nice to see Stewie.”

Jamie will fuss. They’ll have to make sure Emre doesn’t hunt Neil down and kill him.

When he comes off the stage, his phone screen is lit up. One new message.

It’s from Neil.

**u look exhausted. pls take care.**

Olly has to bite his lower lip to keep it from wobbling. He’s a glad they’re already done performing. He’s not good enough to smile through this.

**tryin.** He types back. **jst cant sleep** He adds a couple of crying emoji and a sleeping one. He thinks it makes him sound more okay. 

(He’s not okay.)

When they get home, he pretends to not see Mikey’s look of concern, the pointed look he shares with Jamie. He’s so resolutely ignoring them both he’s probably missing something important.

He’s too busy pretending he’s not dreading going into his room to care much what that might be anyway. 

He’s not expecting to push the door open to find Neil there, curled up with Stewie on his bed. For a minute, he thinks he’s hallucinating.

He’s not hallucinating.

Neil reaches for him, draws him in, tucks him close and curls protectively around him. Olly cries.

“We’re on a break,” he says. He doesn’t know why but he feels like he should point this out. He feels like it’s important. They’re on a break. Why is Neil here?

Neil strokes his hair, hugs him tight and makes a soft, impatient noise. “You need to sleep,” he says without judgment. He kisses Olly’s forehead. Olly feels wetness against his skin, on Neil’s lips, and he knows Neil’s crying too. “You need to rest.”

Neil’s shaking when he tucks Olly under his chin, shifting to bury his face in Olly’s hair even though Olly’s curls aren’t there for him to do that anymore. It’s immediate, automatic, comforting. 

(But Olly’s curls aren’t there. It’s not the same. _It’s not the same_.)

Neil needs to rest too.

It’s like an addiction, Olly reasons. Alcoholics die if they stop drinking without a controlled reduction. They have to go into hospital and be observed, and they have to be so, so careful.

He’s been suffering withdrawals. He needs to be weaned off slowly.

Neither of them wants to die without the other. Olly thinks that could be taken in more than one way – it’s an ambiguous statement, there for interpretation.

Maybe that’s the point.

They want each other. They need each other. But they probably shouldn’t.

\--

In Sheffield, it’s easier to breathe.

When Neil texts “ **gd nite olly** ” to him while he’s in bed, staring hopelessly at his phone, Olly sleeps without dreaming, phone clutched tight in his hand.

He takes comfort in the shape of the phone pressed into his skin in the morning.

\--

Neil deals with the tabloid rumours. (The truth.) He talks about Olly’s mum and how much she loves him.

**she does u kno** , Olly sends without really meaning to. **she luvs u**.

**I love you** , he gets in reply. It’s a full sentence without any attempt at text spelling. Olly doesn’t need anyone or anything else to tell him that Neil’s drunk, but he checks Neil’s Twitter anyway. 

Neil’s very drunk.

And he loves Olly.

Olly hesitates over a reply and, in the end, calls his mum and cries at her for hours. She loves Neil too. She understands. She won’t judge him.

\--

Olly finds out Neil’s sick from the Clean Bandit Twitter.

**r u ok?** he sends immediately. A second later, he thinks maybe he shouldn’t have done. It’s too late now though and, even though they’re on a break, Olly’s still allowed to worry.

**yea. wish u wer here a lot tho** , he gets back. He doesn’t know if sick-and-unguarded Neil is worst than drunk-and-unguarded Neil or not.

Neil’s clingy when he’s sick. Olly remembers sitting with him for hours, just petting his hair and stroking his back as he’d clung to Olly’s waist, drifting, and remembers even more vividly waking up to Neil’s fingers tangled in his curls.

Suddenly, he misses those curls quite desperately.

(Almost as much as he misses Neil.)

Suddenly, he really needs those curls to grow back.

\--

“This is the stupidest idea you’ve had yet.” Up until now, Emre’s kept pretty quiet on the whole subject. He’s mostly just been there, close, letting Olly lie with his head in his lap, stroking his hair – just silent and comforting, and probably secretly fuming. This is the first time he’s said anything directly about this whole business to Olly.

“It’s not,” Olly says defensively. “He’s still sick. He never takes care of himself when he’s sick.”

“You’re on a break,” Emre says, exasperated. “Let someone else do it.”

“He never lets anyone else do it,” Olly replies, stubborn. He thinks about Neil in his bed, holding him just so he could get some sleep; Neil texting him at night because he told Neil it was hard to stop staring at his phone these days; Neil telling him he loved him, guard down and as desperately lonely without Olly as Olly was without him. 

He knows it’s the right thing to do.

Emre rolls his eyes and sighs, throwing a crisp at him. “This break thing you’re pretending to have is stupid,” he says bluntly. “I take back my earlier comment. This _break_ you’re taking is the dumbest idea you’ve ever, ever had.”

Olly pointedly eats the crisp and doesn’t tell Emre that he thinks Emre’s probably right.

\--

Olly feels completely calm as he tidies Neil’s room. For the first time in weeks, he feels completely and utterly serene.

He feels like he can breathe.

Neil’s already stolen his jumper, is curled up in it on the bed, sleeping deeply. Adele’s new song is on repeat but instead of making him want to cry, it settles something deep inside Olly. It’s almost cathartic. 

It takes him three hours to clean Neil’s room. They’re the best three hours he’s had in weeks.

By the time he finishes, he honestly feels like everything is going to be okay.

The calmness spreads as Neil moves into his touch when Olly sits down beside him and strokes his hair, not waking. Olly picks up the book he’s been reading from the bedside table and settles in. 

(Neil hasn’t moved the book. He hasn’t changed anything on Olly’s side of the bed.)

When Neil tries to kiss him later, sleepy and confused, body on autopilot, Olly turns away. “You can’t kiss me, silly,” he says. Like the rest of him – like his usually restless soul and his still burning heart – his voice is calm.

He feels the pout against his neck, and then hears it in Neil’s voice. “Because we’re on a break?”

“Because you’re sick and I’m on tour,” Olly says, smiling – truly, honestly smiling – for the first time in days, maybe weeks.

“Oh.” There’s a pause before Olly feels Neil’s mouth in their favourite place on Olly’s neck, feels pressure and heat, feels Neil’s claim.

Everything is going to be okay.

He doesn’t bother trying to hide the hickey when he goes back to the tour in Brighton, and flips Emre off casually when Emre asks, “What kind of break are you guys taking here? A mini-break?”

But Emre’s smiling, small and hopeful and a bit relieved.

Olly feels bouncy and light and shining.

Everything is going to be okay.

\--

Someone gives him a rainbow flag during Shine, like a sign from above. He doesn’t even hesitate before wrapping it around himself as he lets the song wrap around him as well, lets all those feelings take root again, building slow and easy, lifting his heart and his hopes.

Neil made him stronger, gave him (and _them_ ) Shine – and now Shine is going to give Neil back to him.

\--

He made a “Sad Boy” playlist to cry to. Music helps with emotions, and love songs are always more meaningful when they hurt. Especially when you’re hurting too. He’d needed all the help he could get when he’d compiled it.

By the time it’s published, Olly’s not really all that sad anymore.

\--

Olly knows Neil is at the Brixton show. He’s not backstage, and he’s not near the front, but Olly knows. He doesn’t need the fan pictures or the fan accounts, doesn’t need to remember that they’d agreed Neil should turn up at least once to stop speculation, doesn’t need anything at all to confirm it. Olly just _knows_.

So he puts an extra sway into his moves, an extra flair into the performance, an extra _something_ into the entire show. He can feel Neil’s eyes from wherever he is – somewhere in the back of the room – knows he’s watching, and that makes Olly put everything he has, more than he has, into every song, every dance. Because Neil’s there, and Olly _knows_ Neil loves him.

Neil’s always a little overwhelmed when he watches Olly perform – and he’s never even seen Toxic live. 

Olly wants him to be a lot overwhelmed tonight.

When Olly finally spots him after the show, one look at what Neil’s wearing tells him everything he needs to be absolutely certain he’s making the right choice. It’s the jacket he borrowed (or stole) from Neil when they went to film the video for Shine in the Ukraine.

Shine. It was always going to come back to that song.

He was right. Shine is giving Neil back to him. 

All signs pointing to yes, Olly makes the decision; this break is really stupid and he’s done with it.

He shouts Neil’s name and, as Neil turns around, Olly throws himself into his arms without reservation, and completely and utterly without fear.

Neil will catch him. He always does.

And then they’re kissing. Hollywood, romantic comedy, perfect moment sort of kissing – Olly’s hands on Neil’s face, sliding back to cling to Neil’s neck as Neil clutches at his waist. The world ceases to exist. The days and weeks apart stop hurting.

Nothing matters but this moment. Nothing else in the world matters except them, together, wrapped around and pressing against each other like they’re trying to bridge the distance, trying to fuse back into one – and it’s _so good_ , so perfect, Olly feels so full he’s almost bursting, bubbles of happiness threatening to take him to pieces and send him floating away.

And he lets them bubble up and take him over because Neil’s here, and Neil will put him together again, better and more complete than before.

Neil always, _always_ does.

\--

_”Let’s never do that again.”_

_“Yeah. That was really stupid of us, wasn’t it?”_

_“Yeah, it really was. I don’t know what we were thinking.”_

_“We weren’t. We were being stupid.”_

_“Really stupid.”_

_“Really, really stupid.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_


End file.
